Thursday, September 12, 2013
Thinking of having another baby
Part of it is due to peer pressure – I see friends and families getting pregnant and having babies like all year round (!), but mostly it is due to me really missing the sight of a baby, the bond, the baby smell, breastfeeding and whatnots. I also feel that Bella needs a friend at home too, someone to share her toys with, someone to make memories with.
I never thought that I would miss having a baby this much, but really I do.
Although when I really come to think of the process – the part where I have to endure labor again – well, it still brings back scary memories.
Yes, I am still ever so grateful to God that Bella and I made it, no doubt about that. But when I start thinking about my experience again, I could not help but to think way too much to the point that I scare myself. I begin asking too many “what if” negative questions.
You see, my first experience with giving birth is not a pretty one. If you have read about Bella’s birth before, you know that I had an emergency caesarean section.
Back then C-Section was the last thing on my mind; I blame myself for not preparing for it. I was looking forward for a natural, normal birthing experience but it did not happen. Perhaps I was too naïve.
I remember feeling frustrated with the circumstances, but I thank God again that I manage to pull myself together and focus on my newborn. Only God knows how I felt that time, everything just did not go my way.
During my pregnancy with Bella, I had hypertension when I hit my 2nd trimester - something that came out of nowhere. Due to my consistent high blood pressure, I was asked by my gynae to have an induction at 38th week. I remember that time I did not have any contractions yet, and deep inside I know that my body was not ready for labor.
I went anyway.
After more than 24 hours of induction, my baby went into foetal distress. After a short period of monitoring, I was asked to sign for a C-section. At that point of time I was already in so much pain, but my cervix was barely dilated to 5cm.
I went into c-section down under – that’s general anaesthetic. When I woke up I was so weak, and that also disturbed my plans of breastfeeding my baby early. Bella was already fed with formula when I woke up and met her.
I am not blaming anyone, but with all this experience, it makes me want to have a better pregnancy next time.
It also makes overthink things.
Things like can I go through pregnancy with my husband still working far from home? Can I manage it with a 3 year old child under my care?
Things like how do I ensure that I do not get hypertension again? Should I start eating more healthily and keep my fitness in check? Who is my next gynae – can I find one who can support me with my goals?
Can I try for normal birth after a c-section? If I do get hypertension again, what are my chances of a normal delivery? Can I even consider natural birthing or waterbirthing? What if everything fails again?
See? I think too much. Sometimes when I sit down alone thinking about it, I conclude my thoughts with “nah, maybe not now”.
And then the longing came again, and I went into the same cycle of thought.
It was tiring.
Until one day, I came to a realization - If I am going to go through the same thought again and again, I won’t go anywhere.
Life is about taking chances anyway.
There is no way that I can predict the future, but I am in control of my present. And with that, I opened up and get more positive.
I came to know that there is a strong support system for mothers who are going for normal delivery after c-section in Malaysia, I even have friends who made it through.
So I’ll start there.
I am still nervous though. But hubby and I, we are officially now off-protection (if you know what I mean). Haha.
We have made a decision to not pressure ourselves for a baby, but if God is willing and He grants me another pregnancy, we are kind of ready to take the ride.